


Now of light and dark

by Lleu



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 22:02:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12397131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lleu/pseuds/Lleu
Summary: “Why is whether or not I trust you or anyone so damned important to you? Why—why do you even care?”He cares for a lot of reasons, it turns out.





	Now of light and dark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Niki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/gifts).



> _In more precision now of light and dark_   
>  _The heightening dawn with milky orience_   
>  _Rounds its still-purpling centreings of cloud._
> 
> title from a fragment by Gerard Manley Hopkins. shoutout to Tal and Rachel for betaing. this is the fourth-longest finished piece of fiction I've ever written lol.

_“Why is whether or not I trust you or anyone so damned important to you? Why—why do you even care?”_

The thing is, he doesn’t _know_ why he cares so much what Carth thinks of him. They’ve got a mission — _ha_ — to finish, and as long as Carth can get through it as professionally as he has been up to this point, it shouldn’t matter whether his actions are rooted in trust or just in being willing to put the mission first. But somehow he can’t get the thought that Carth _doesn’t_ trust him out of his head, and to hear it articulated aloud hurts more than by rights it probably should. They barely know each other, after all.

(There’s also that voice in the back of his head that whispers that Carth is right, that no-one should trust him, that he’ll end up failing — or _falling_. He attributes that voice to spillover from the Force bond with Bastila. It certainly _sounds_ like enough of a downer to be her.)

It stings, just a little, looking at Carth. The thought comes: _I’m not good enough for him_. The solution: _Be better_. And that’s what he does.

Later, en route from Tatooine, star map in hand — or, well, in navicomputer — to the smuggler station at Yavin, he catches himself staring at Carth as he walks back from the fresher to the crew quarters in a towel. He looks away and thinks, _Oh_. That’s why it matters.

And later still, during a quiet moment in Ahto City, Carth finally tells him about Telos. He finds he’s at a loss for words; instead, tentative, he reaches out an arm towards Carth, puts his hand on his shoulder. Carth jerks involuntarily, but then relaxes, ever so slightly, into the touch, closing his eyes.

“What was she like, your wife?” Carth opens his eyes. He looks miserable — and yet, behind that, there’s something else.

“She had courage...and she was stubborn.” Carth allows himself the ghost of a smile. “Heh, a little bit like you in that respect.” Carth stops and looks at him, appraising. “You have so much courage and strength in you...yet, somehow, I have no trouble imagining it differently. Like the flip side of a coin.”

There it is again: not good enough. Carth’s shutting him out again, and it still hurts. “I’m not falling to the dark side, Carth. I won’t.”

“No? I know how people change. I remember how Malak looked and acted before his return. I bet the old Malak discounted the possibility that he would ever fall, as well. Neither you nor Bastila are fully trained on how to handle your power. I’m just...concerned at what might come.”

His heart speeds up, just a little. Maybe there’s some hope after all. “I didn’t know you cared.”

“Well, that’s not what I...” Carth stops, reformulates. “I wouldn’t want to see you hurt. Either of you.”

He leaves it at that, but now he’s convinced: there _is_ something; he’s not just imagining it. The way Carth’s eyes linger on him in the crew quarters. That Carth stops in to watch him meditating with Bastila and Juhani. He can feel Carth’s presence even without opening his eyes, hard (hardened) edges covering a warmth. It’s nice. Reassuring.

Carth smiles more now — not often, but more often — than he ever did before.

Someone they meet on Kashyyyk tells them that Carth’s son is on Korriban. Carth is understandably adamant: “I have to see him. I have to know what happened to him.”

On their way, though, they’re intercepted. By the _Leviathan_. Saul’s ship.

It scares him a little to see how much hate and anger is in Carth’s eyes when he looks at Saul. He can feel it emanating from him, and he wishes there was something he could do. But there’s nothing he can say that will change what Saul did. Nothing that will bring Carth’s wife back from the dead. Nothing that will undo the betrayal.

There’s a fight, and then before they have time to process what just happened there’s another, on their way back to the _Ebon Hawk_. Bastila is captured and he can barely feel it. Malak’s revelation is echoing through his mind, crowding out everything else.

 _Revan_. _I am Revan_. I _am Revan_.

He remembers now. Part of him wishes he didn’t, wishes he could deny it, but on some level, he thinks he’s always known.

He looks at Carth in the pilot’s seat in the _Ebon Hawk_ cockpit as they take off, but Carth won’t meet his eyes. He — _Revan_ can’t blame him. By rights, Carth should hate him. He’s the one responsible for...everything, when it comes down to it. (He can’t remember why, but that feels less important now: just the what is overwhelming enough as it is.)

Carth doesn’t leave, and that’s the most important thing. He isn’t one to abandon a mission before it’s over.

They find Dustil, bitter, angry, and grieving, in the Sith academy on Korriban. That reunion goes about as well as might be expected, but Dustil does promise to wait on Telos. If Carth, at least, survives what’s coming, he’ll have something — someone — to go back to.

“Do you think you’ll see Dustil again?” Revan asks.

“I think so,” Carth says, after a moment. “If he's anything like he used to be, Dustil hates to be tricked. There's no way he'll let the Sith trick him again. As for whether or not he'll be my son again...I don't know. He's so full of anger and hate. I wasn't expecting him to be like this. Maybe we can work it out. I hope so. I guess I'll have to wait and see. Thanks, by the way — for all your help.“

Everyone Revan ever cared about before is either dead or fallen to the dark side.

Things are a blur after that. Star maps. Crash landings. More battles. Even meeting Bastila, fallen, on the temple roof feels like just a stepping stone to the obstacle he knows is circling this system’s star: the Star Forge, and on it, Malak. Until then, it’s just one meaningless battle after another.

Finally, they’re standing outside the _Ebon Hawk_ , preparing to go face that final obstacle, when Carth pulls him aside.

“We need to talk,” he says. Revan nods, gestures to the others to get on board; they’ll join them in a few minutes. Jolee gives them a long look before following Mission and Zaalbar up the boarding ramp.

“What is it?” Revan asks.

Carth hesitates, clearly unsure how to begin. “I’m not sure how to put this.”

“Just say it,” Revan says.

“I was...” He pauses, gestures vaguely, grasping for words. “Hurt. When Saul told me...told me about you. And then, after Malak took Bastila, when you couldn’t...when you said it was true, I thought I was in for another betrayal. That you were going to betray us all. To be honest, I thought about shooting you right there.”

Revan blinks, but he lets Carth continue.

“But...I couldn’t,” Carth says. “I couldn’t forget everything you’d done. Everything _we’d_ done, together, since the _Endar Spire_. I spent so long thinking that killing Saul would be the death of me, but you...you gave me a purpose. You helped me find my son. You gave me a future again. Or at least, there’ll be a future for me if we get through this alive.”

He pauses, and Revan opens his mouth to interject, but Carth cuts him off.

“Please, just let me get this all out,” he says. He takes a deep breath before continuing. “It’s kriffed — everything is kriffed these days — but if, uh...if I'm going to find some purpose beyond taking revenge on Saul, then I think it's going to have to be in protecting you. I think that’s what it’s been all along. It just took me until now to realize it.”

Revan takes a moment to process this. “Why? You know better than anyone what I’ve done, what I was. What I’ll always be afraid of becoming again.”

“Because...” Carth starts, hesitates, then continues, “because I never got the chance to save my wife and son. Because I didn't stop Saul when I had the chance. Because I finally have the chance to do it right. You’re an extraordinary man, and you make me think that maybe I might have some purpose beyond revenge. I don't know whether it means anything to you...but it does to me.”

He’s overwhelmed by an intense desire to kiss Carth, but he’s not sure that’s quite the appropriate response to this kind of confession. He settles on words instead: “It means more than I can say.”

There’s a moment of awkwardness, then Revan reaches out and pulls Carth into a tight hug. Carth stiffens at first, then lets himself relax into it. They stay there for a long moment; when they separate, Carth’s eyes look a little watery. Revan’s blinking a bit, too, himself.

“Well,” Carth says, adjusting his jacket. “We should get going.” They turn back to the _Ebon Hawk_ , but before they can board it Carth puts a hand on his shoulder. “Promise me you’ll come back from this. That you’ll take down Malak and come out of it alive and...well, not evil.”

They both know it’s a promise Revan will never be able to guarantee, but he nods anyway. “I’ll promise, as long as you promise _me_ you’ll be waiting for me when I do.”

Carth smiles, and Revan thinks this might be the first _real_ smile he’s ever seen from Carth, even if it’s still a little bittersweet. It fills his whole face and makes him look about ten years younger. It’s a good look. “I promise.”

It’s not easy. Quite the opposite: just making their way through the interior of the Star Forge is the most difficult thing Revan’s ever done, that he can remember. Bastila is there again, angry and in pain and _terrified_. Revan’s able to call her back to the light, or at least to help her take a first step back along that path. He sends her to join the rest of the team at the _Ebon Hawk_. He tries to send Carth, too, but that’s harder.

“I’m not leaving you,” Carth says.

“Carth,” Revan says. “I have to do this alone.” Carth doesn’t say anything, just glares stubbornly back at him. “You know that.”

Carth still doesn’t say anything. Revan steps closer to him, puts his hand on Carth’s shoulder. Then Carth surprises him: he closes the distance between them, reaches up to cup Revan’s face in his hands, tilts his head slightly, and kisses Revan. His mouth is surprisingly soft, although his beard is a little scratchy. He holds the kiss for about ten seconds, then pulls back. “I know.”

"That was...unexpected,” Revan says. He’s smiling.

Carth smiles back. “Was it?”

“...Not entirely.”

“I didn’t think so,” Carth says. “Now go. I’ll meet you back at the _Ebon Hawk_. You promised, remember.”

“I’ll get there as soon as this is over.”

Carth turns to go, then changes his mind, turns back, and kisses him again, harder this time. When he breaks away: “I’ll hold you to that promise.”

Revan smiles again, then pushes Carth gently in the direction of the exit. “Go. I’ll see you soon.”

With one last long look back at Revan, Carth leaves, jogging to catch up with Bastila.

Only one thing left now. Malak.

*

_“I alone must accept responsibility for my fate. I wanted to be Master of the Sith and ruler of the galaxy. But that destiny was not mine, Revan... It might have been yours, perhaps. But never mine. And in the end, as the darkness takes me, I am nothing.”_

*

He’s still alive. It seems like that should mean more than it does. Mostly, he’s just exhausted. World-weary. _Galaxy_ -weary. He’s ready not to be carrying the weight of the Republic’s future on his shoulders.

There are a lot of awards ceremonies. Mission is never going to let him live down the whole “Prodigal Knight” thing. Frankly, Revan agrees it sounds a little overwrought.

It’s almost two weeks before he and Carth can catch a moment alone, between meetings with the Supreme Chancellor, meetings with the full Senate, meetings with the Republic Navy, and meetings — of course — with the Jedi Council.

Finally, though, after a day where Revan, Carth, and Bastila only have two meetings scheduled with different Republic officers and Revan, Bastila, and Juhani only get called to the Temple four times (total — once jointly, and then once each individually, but, of course, not one after another), they have an evening where neither Revan nor Carth has other obligations and neither of them is so tired that they fall asleep immediately after dinner.

Revan has been assigned quarters at the Jedi Temple, but he wants to keep this to himself for now, and a hooded Jedi Master leaving the Temple for an evening stroll is significantly less conspicuous than Carth Onasi, many times decorated Republic war hero, arriving at the Temple at night.

“No offense intended,” Revan says to Carth when he arrives at Carth’s own temporary apartment. “I’m sure you can be discreet. But there’s discreet and then there’s Jedi discreet.”

“I’m not complaining,” Carth says. “It’s just a little unexpected.”

“Is it?” Revan asks, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” Carth says, smiling, “I suppose it’s not.” They lapse into silence for a moment. “Is this...” A pause. “...wise? I thought Jedi weren’t supposed to pursue...attachments.”

Revan considers. “My views on this have...diverged somewhat from the orthodox position.”

“Oh?”

“I’m not sure,” Revan says, taking a step closer to Carth, “that now is the best time to be discussing philosophy.” He reaches up to put a hand on Carth’s cheek. “But as far as I’m concerned, my attachments are what keep me grounded and human. Everything about this feels... _right_.”

“If you’re sure,” Carth says.

“I am,” Revan says. He leans closer, and Carth closes the rest of the space between them and they’re kissing.

Revan slips his outer robe off, and Carth maneuvers them out of the small entrance vestibule and into the living room. Revan pulls away long enough to ask, “Couch or bed?”

Carth considers for a moment. “Ah, what the hell,” he says finally. “Couch. The bedroom’s a mess anyway.”

“Works for me,” Revan says, pulling Carth towards the couch and then half-lying-half-falling onto it, pulling Carth with him. Carth lands on top of him, heavier than he’d expected, and, as he can feel now pressed against his thigh, already hard — not that he’s far behind.

“This isn’t your first time,” Carth says, pressing his erection harder into Revan’s thigh. It’s not a question.

“No,” Revan admits. “It’s a little-known fact that Jedi aren’t always celibate — it’s attachment that’s...discouraged, not sex altogether.”

Carth raises his eyebrows. “Is that so?”

“I’ll tell you all about it sometime,” Revan says. “Some _other_ time.”

It’s a little awkward, overall. It’s not Carth’s first time with a man, but it’s clear that it’s been a while, and Revan’s a little out of practice, too. But by the look on Carth’s face while Revan’s mouth is wrapped around his cock it seems he hasn’t completely forgotten how to give a blowjob, and Carth is able to reciprocate, a little sloppy but more than passable. They’ll have plenty of time to get used to this, to each other, to each other’s bodies.

Revan comes first, sooner than he was expecting to. He barely has time to warn Carth: “I’m going to—” and then he does, filling Carth’s mouth with his cum.

Carth follows shortly after, sitting balanced carefully on Revan’s thighs, jerking himself off with only a little self-consciousness. His breath catches, then he exhales sharply and drops of whiteness spray over Revan’s stomach and drip onto his softening cock. Carth gives himself a few more strokes, then slides awkwardly off Revan to lie down next to him.

“Scoot over,” Carth says, nudging Revan playfully with his elbow.

“I’m all wet,” Revan says, a little petulant. Carth grumbles a bit, but he’s smiling as he gets up to grab a clean cloth from the refresher. After they’ve both cleaned up a little, Revan pats the couch next to him and Carth lies back down.

“Roll over,” Revan says, and Carth rolls a little awkwardly onto his side. Revan follows suit and puts his arm over Carth, pulling him close.

They lie like that for about ten seconds, then Carth says, “No. Other way.”

“What?” There’s some more awkard shuffling as they switch positions so Carth's the one with his back to the back of the couch, arm around Revan.

Revan laces his fingers through Carth’s. “Better?”

“Much,” Carth says. “I told you it’d be my job to protect you.”

“I guess you did,” Revan says. He brings Carth’s hand up to his mouth to kiss the back of it. Carth gently kisses the back of his neck in return, and Revan lets his eyes slip closed. He can feel Carth’s body pressed against him, his face pressed into the back of Revan’s neck, and he can feel Carth in the Force as well, like a wellspring of light. _This is right_. _Nothing else has ever been this_ right. He can feel it in his bones.

Carth mumbles something into his hair.

“What was that?” He feels Carth shift a little bit and turns his head awkwardly so he can see him out of the corner of his eye.

“I said,” Carth says, “I think I love you. Revan.”

“Good,” Revan says. “I think I love you, too, Carth Onasi.”

“Good,” Carth says.

And it is.


End file.
